someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
