and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
