I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
