I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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