we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just want to make out with him forever
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
