you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
