please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
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Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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