Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
