I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
should my penis look like a turkey
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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