so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My bed smells like the plague
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