I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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