Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
