My friends, they love my intelligence
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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