Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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