i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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