Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She needs sedatives and a leash
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
