I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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