I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Pants are for mortals
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
