He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
