the condom got lost in my hair
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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