What did we do last night that was yellow?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
