omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
