Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
