I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You dont lie about slip and slides
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Randomize
