Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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