that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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