just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
