so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
