I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
