Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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