I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
