my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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