I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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