i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
