My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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