the condom got lost in my hair
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
