My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
