Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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