I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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