Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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