I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
