One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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