i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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