i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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