I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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