So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
