first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Farmville is her only friend.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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