Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
