If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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