She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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