who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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