I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There's a naked man in my car right now.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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