i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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