Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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