We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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