literally had 100 drinks last night.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
