can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
