I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
