Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You are the jesus of drinking
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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