shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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