my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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