Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
