I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
