dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
