I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
